Monday, February 6, 2012

Curse ye, Woodchuck! and other dirty things

So it seems like the content in our house has been getting raunchier and raunchier.  Back during the big Christmas Roadtrip of 2011 we were listening to a fascinating audio documentary about life in the Puritan settlements of British America.  Apparently church was an all-day affair and this posed the same problems then that it does today.  The Puritan churches had their own unique way of dealing with those problems and had lay members assigned to wake up people who nodded off during the services.  The narrator read a diary entry from an early settler which recounted a certain member of the church who nodded off during a Sunday service. When the "waker-uppers" gave him a none-too-gentle nudge with a long stick (which was apparently the traditional way of keeping members awake) the man leaped to his feet shouting "Curse ye, Woodchuck!"  Despite attempts to deny sleeping, I think he gave away his dream state a bit.  The fam cracked up at this anecdote and "Curse ye, Woodchuck!" has become our new swear phrase.  So instead of hearing my children mutter or holler the usual "darn it!" my house now rings with people cursing small rodents.

On another note, Shannen has reluctantly admitted that she's growing up, a fact which inspires much dread in her thanks to her fear of change.  As evidence of this inevitable status, she's now playing online dating simulation games.  Not dirty or even risque ones.  Just the sweet, innocent sort where there's a damsel in some sort of distress who comes in contact with a variety of males and is faced with the choice of which one to build a relationship with as the adventure progresses and in the end is confronted with choosing to marry one.  It's been interesting to see her take, as well as Mindie's take, on which choices to make.  Each has her own particular style and preference.  Mindie tends to go for the best friend.  Shannen opts for the character that sacrifices the most for her character.  Neither like the pushy characters that constantly declare their undying love.

Evidence of this "growing up" is also appearing in our conversations lately.  I've had to answer some of the most awkward questions lately.  Everything from "how EXACTLY do gay people have sex?" to "What's a brothel?" and "what are people like when they're drunk?"  I'm glad that my girls are comfortable enough to come to me with these questions but I hate answering them.  Their father is just glad they never ask HIM stuff like that and has flatly stated that if they ever do, he'll be referring them to me.  I feel so loved.  Every time I think we've gotten the most uncomfortable possible questions out of the way, they come up with a surprise for me.

It's extra uncomfortable because I *never* had conversations like that with my parents so I have no frame of reference for how to answer even the most basic of questions.  Beyond a 5 minute conversation with my older sister when I was 8 where she related the mechanics of sex as "the guy gets on top of you and puts his THING inside you and then it's like he pees in you," which left me thinking it was all a terrible joke she was playing on me (helped somewhat by the fact that this wasn't the most remarkable or outlandish lie she had ever told to get a reaction out of me), I'm entirely self-taught in the realm of adult actions.  Not that my education was lacking.  Our county library was more than helpful.  But reading psychology and anatomy books isn't exactly great for preparing me to answer these questions.  Heck, I was 17 before I figured out how to pronounce one of the pieces of female anatomy that was often overlooked in the anatomy books but seemed to feature prominently in the raunchier psychology books (thanks, Nancy Friday, for the education...)

Hopefully things will settle down soon and we can go back to a peaceful coexistence that doesn't feature discussions of genitalia or mind-altering substances.  I like zombies.  Can't we just talk about a diet that's high in gray matter??

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